Ohkay!! So here I am with a confession. I was ALWAYS against teenage relationship and said that “crushes” are nothing but crap and I still say that they are crap...the only thing changed is I got into this crap…It has its own flavor, which I was unaware of! I had no clue how beguiling it feels to love someone…to think about a person…
He became my inspiration, I got addicted to his text messages and phone calls. If he didn’t text or call me I assumed that he was ignoring me but still a person as egoistic as me didn’t leave it all and moved forward instead I read his text messages so many times that I know the sequence of them in my inbox. I smiled like 24/7 thinking about our long conversations…I stared at random things with hints of sparkle in my eyes, when I thought about the way he teased me. For the first time, I felt so different for a guy. For the first time, I didn’t mind his humor. For the first time, I didn’t think that I have my own standards. For the first time, I forgot everything and only considered that the Jerk I am talking to isn’t that bad!
Everyone around me noticed the change…My folks started pointing me out smiling for no reason. Of course, there was a motivation, his contemplation, but I couldn’t tell them. Later, my smiles changed into mumblings. My emotions grew deeper and intense, I started relating everything to him. I started talking about him with people around me…and THEN everyone was shocked [Because I never even talked about guys in general before]…They were all after me that I have a crush...and so on…I didn’t admit. I had my very dear EGO in between. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I am falling for some guy who arrived in my life a few months ago and swiped me off…How could I be so frail that he blew me away with a few advices, lectures and care…
No he isn’t as hot as Brad Pitt. No he doesn’t praise my eyes or lips or whatever! No he doesn’t leave flattering comments on my facebook…He didn’t do anything to unlock my heart but still attained a special corner…People who know me say that I am stonehearted, as far as guys are concerned but what now? How could some XYZ snap the stone so easily?
The "thing" I always abstained myself from had happened. I couldn’t help myself at all. Never in my life had I felt so vulnerable. The worst part of the whole fiasco was that my hunger, thirst and sleep disappeared!! One day I only had a chocolate-chip cookie and a small glass of orange juice. The next day two breadsticks and some water…and then I couldn’t eat at all. Whenever I ate I felt like puking. Anne noticed it and so got very concerned. One day she made me sit and forced a glass of milk down my throat despite all my refusals. I was no more me. I was no more the I-don’t-give-a-damn person. This feeling brought so many colours to my life…I could see rainbows all around me…California added icing on my situation…All those scenic views so diverted my thoughts towards him..
He wasn’t aware of anything. He didn’t know 0.1% about what was cooking in my brain [HEART]…I was living a life of my own! I was in a fantasy world where I didn’t want anybody to enter…I didn’t want anyone to wake me up from my lovely dream, where everything was gorgeous. Where happiness ruled my life, where it was all about love…
BUT!!!
I realized that my life isn’t a movie, which ends in a few hours leaving the audience smiling…where everything usually turns out in the favor of the young couple…My case was different…After a week of pleasure, excitement and nervousness I decided to do something and so I sat down with a pen and my diary to write the pros and cons of being in a relationship at this age and guess what? Cons were way higher…
These are some questions I asked myself:
- How could I be so selfish to just think about my happiness?
- How on earth could I forget all the expectations my parents have from me?
- How could I disappoint my friends?
- Is it really that much of a priority at this span of life to be in a relationship when my future is obscure with the guy?
- Will it not affect my studies?
- Do I love that guy more than my parents love me?
- Won’t they be upset to know what I did behind their back?
There were a lot of other questions and after a lot of consideration I decided to maintain a little more of the self control so that I don’t mess up my life. How much people say that I am mean and snobbish, I can’t be as selfish to hurt my beloveds.
So, I am trying to be normal. I am trying to forget everything and be the same again. This feeling did give me a new perspective of life. It served as an inspiration. It amended a couple of flaws in my personality. I loved those beautiful days but that journey was meant to end and it ended not with a very happy dappy ending but it didn’t leave anyone crying either. [A little bit of sadness and a few tears are okay. Right?] My struggle to get over it is not quite successful as mostly people at H.S commented, “Hey, you seem so changed after this break!” or “I don’t know why I feel that, but you kind of act weird”. To stop all these comments I so need to be stronger and firm about what I have decided.
I hope I made a wise decision. I don’t want to hurt my loved ones just because "when I think about this guy I get butterflies or because a single thought of him makes me smile or because he is so caring or because I love talking to him or because...." I so can’t...
42 comments:
Hmmm... you got one big brain. :) I am not an advocate of relationships in your age. but I was there. but realized a lot of things. you are giving it a right thought. give it more time. and more space to yourself. you'll get more mature by the time, and will know what's right and wrong for you and of course your family.
Good luck. with everything.
"He became my inspiration, I got addicted to his text messages and phone calls. If he didn’t text or call me I assumed that he was ignoring me but still a person as egoistic as me didn’t leave it all and moved forward instead I read his text messages so many times that I know the sequence of them in my inbox."
that so reminds of me when i was 23. lol you are such a wise lil angel!
but sometimes it is your happiness girl. if not in the material gain then in internal peace and accomplishment :)
as long as it is not at the expense of anyone else!
hugs!
@Ahmer
I so wish I had a BIG brain but I don't :( Thanks for the luck and sharing your experience. I just didn't feel it was right!
@Seher, I am flattered by the word "angel". [More than enough to make my day or say night]
I don't know how I will get over it and what I am paying but it's not much for the happiness of my beloveds and I guess it's in my favour too (:
i see a grown up komal, a mature lady through this post!
Wise decision- i must say :)!
komal.... ufff i didn't knew u could think this much !! j/k ....
yaar let the things go as they wanna go.... inshallah i pray for the best things in life for u !!
@Aruba (: Thank God you didn't some say something else.
@Ubi I think a lot and you know, this is the time to let go of my emotions. If I would hold on to them, nobody will be happy except me.
Thank you for the prayer (:
didn't say*
As much as I can understand every emotion you've written about, and as beautiful as they all are I'd say you've made a very wise choice. I'd say you should wait till you've grown up atleast another 4-5 years, you're 16 right, before you even think about getting into a relationship.
Best of luck with everything, may everything just smooth itself out! =)
with life come a hundred or so experience, twists n turns......u hold them in ur control only when u know what steps to take n what decisions to make!
guess u r learning the game of life!
dnt worry, just b happy! v r always there should u need any help:)
tc!
I think my heart just skipped a beat. Now I don't know what to say.
Good luck. :)
I really don't know what to say after reading yur post..It touched my soul so badly...There was a time in life when I had the same feeing...nothing seemed as special and as pure as that person seemed to me...but we have to give up some of our happiness for our loved ones!
I really appreciate the decision you have made...It's not easy to get over all this but I must say, "Best of Luck, dear" :)
You sound so changed, Komal. But it is better to leave these things for the future. Who knows, things might work out but till then eat, drink and don't upset yourself. It was very mature of you to realize that these things are not meant for this age.
Good to know that you don't bottle up things inside you but express them in writing. It gives a sense of comfort to do that.
Best of luck.
@Siras I highly agree that I have to store this for future and that it's for the betterment of everyone but it hurts and you won't understand it as you were not the girl I was a few months ago (:
Thanks a lot for the support though. It means a lot!
I am trying to be happy but my happiness is so locked in someone else's hand. I am going to seize it now :D
Thanks for dropping by and encouraging me. I hope you did good on your exam!
Love and hugs (:
Ugly Duckling!
My heart skips one almost every day! You know what I mean. Maybe it's a part of this feeling but as I never had it before I don't understand! Thanks for the comment (:
@Farah, I am almost...okay not ALMOST but a little over it already! It will be gone soon as I don't want to see people hurt (:
I am glad that you made that decision too and now it really makes me feel like I am not the only girl who sacrificed something (:
Tehniat, you pulled some strings there! I know that I have changed, lets give an applaud to the jerk for that :D
I must say that he changed me, in a good way, though. As for writing, i am not the kind of person who would share what's cooking in my mind with people around, therefore pouring all my frustrations here helps me a lot! Thanks for dropping by and leaving your support (:
Wise choice dear.
For now, lock these feelings in a corner of your heart and then let them flow at an appropriate age.
Good Luck. =)
very appericiable,i think every one should be very care full in teen age, you made a wise decision, before i dont believe that such self cvhecking persons are very rare in life, today i know one of them. thak you very much
@Maham, thanks for dropping by. I agree on that point (:
@zain, everyone could do that. All we have to do is control ourselves. Thanks for dropping by and appreciating (:
Wise decision!!
You chose what was right and stood out from those acting out on momentary impulsiveness so typical of teenage. (:
It's an interesting idea to think that a relationship would have such a negative effect on your life in general. I think, as a Pakistani teenager, that is what we are told, but I don't think it holds true in many respects. If I had continued the way my mother wanted me to and not dated anyone, I'm pretty sure things would have gone on glitch-free, but the point is I took that risk. And when it came down to it, even though my mother didn't like my decision, she let me see it through. I think the experience did far more for me than anything could have. It's something I wouldn't take back, regardless of the fact that it mostly doesn't work out, and didn't in my case.
Obviously it's all about personal priorities, and I realize that yours might be very different from mine. It's just something to think about.
-Komal Ali
Salman, it feels good to know that at least some people think that I chose the right path! (: Sigh
mer-triaquatrihydroxoiron(II), thanks for sharing your perspective and being honest. You are right that we are told just the negative affects of a teenage relationship but the reason is that they are more than the positive ones.
Since we are extremely emotional and immature at teenage, the chances of us doing something inappropriate and unhealthy are more. At this time when we should be working hard to establish our career, but if in a relationship, our mind gets stuck there and the daily fights and arguments give nothing but depression. What's the benefit of doing it all when 95% we won't have a future with that guy!!
Maybe I am wrong but that's what I concluded and I totally understand how helpless and beautiful it feels but you know, it's not always for our good. Sometimes holding onto it gives nothing but pain...
See Komal, I don't know you at all. The only reason I found this blog is because I was googling my own name, to see how many blogs i'd started in the hopes i would actually be able to stick with it. And instead, I found this blog, and it's very interesting to read about the way you feel because I sometimes wonder how I would have reacted had I taken an exchange year in the US at 16, without having the transition that I had. I sometimes feel that I would not choose your path on certain issues, but this might also be because I haven't lived in Pakistan since I was 13 and I have no idea of the person I would have been. In any case, the point I'm actually trying to make is that the experience and what you gain from it is well worth it. I don't think people are meant to love one person. I think we are meant to love many. And I don't think age should be a factor into whether you love or not. I'm not even 20 and I can safely say that I have loved twice, and don't regret the loss. It's about living in this moment, because there's really no guarantee of anything as things go along.
-Komal Ali
@mer-triaquatrihydroxoiron(II)
I agree that loves happens regardless of age and loving more than one person…I am not quite sure about it but again every individual is different. You have a different perspective towards life and it doesn’t necessarily have to be similar with mine.
It feels kind of good to know a blogger with exactly the same name as mine. Nice to see you here and welcome to my blog (:
love happens*
Wow! Such impulsively accidental events subsequently lead one to the realization of misdeeds, realization then leads to the appropriation of mistakes.
Your words are not only words over all, they are a message, admonished in depth; yet I feel the need to be a little bit heartfelt here for both of you. You mentioned, he was caring, and you sound intensely caring, too.
Argh, life is so brutal.
Where did my comment go? ):
@Mohammed Ali *sigh* Life is brutal, society is a bitch and sometimes our norms are the monster but that's where we are and we have to live with it.
Thanks for dropping by!
@Momal, I didn't see your comment. I am really sorry if it didn't get published!! Please, post it again.
Snap all contact and get busy in something. Helps a lot, personal experience. ;)
awww... you made the right decision honey :) i'm impressed by your maturity!
i think what is the point of being a teenager if you haven't had your heart broken mercilessly?
it's easy to say that now a decade has passed, but i still think the experience was vital.
if you let yourself be taken away a couple of times now, it wouldn't be so scary when you eventually have to do it later in life...
@SAWJ Thank you for the advice.
@Gaja Thanks for the appriciation and welcome (:
Karachi Khatmal.
My heart is already shattered :(
I chose to be that way just because...of my loved ones. I didn't want to disappoint them. They love me too much and yeah expect HIGHLY of me (:
Thanks for dropping by!
Well, you made the right decision (:
And I guess it wasn't published because if I'm NOT signed in at Wordpress, after commenting, I gotta sign in at Wordpress at that very time and confirm my comment... if I don't do it... It just disappears *confused* :$
Okay.... that's true :P
And yeah.... Momal here :D Sorry, but due to a couple of reasons, I'd to change my privacy settings and allow selected users to check my blog...
Wordpress won't allow me to add any Blogspot user ):
But if you ever make a wordpress account... do let me know (:
:( :( :( :(
That's unfair. I like your blog :)
No. No. No. This is crazy!! I hate Wordpress for that!!! :@
Hehehe.... My blog is back to it's normal settings :D
*problem solved* :P
(:
*its
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